Zambia Ponderings

Times like this summer have the tendency to shake you up. Since returning from Zambia about one month ago, I have had so many emotions, thoughts, questions, doubts, etc. mulling around inside of me. So, just bear with me as I attempt to put into words some of what is in my head (and heart) at the moment. I hope that it makes sense.

First off, I just need to say that I love Zambia and Africa. I can't even begin to adequately put into words the love that I have in my heart for that country - the people, the landscape, the skies, the animals, everything about it - and the entire continent of Africa. There is just something about it, a "spirit" to it, that makes it unlike any other place that I have ever been. It is a place of beauty, joy and hope - even amidst all the suffering. My heart was filled with true joy during my time there - I haven't felt that full and alive for a long time. I think that I was truly doing something that I was made to do and am so passionate about - and because of that, I felt full of peace, joy and contentment.

And life was so much simpler there. I was content with my small wardrobe of a couple skirts and t-shirts. I didn't really care to check my email. We weren't always checking the time, and making sure we were on schedule. Yet, the important things in life were still important - and because life was so much simpler, there was so much more time to devote to those things. There was time to sit down and have a real conversation with a team member, or a Zambian friend. We could devote ourselves entirely to the beautiful, enthusiastic children that we got to see everyday at VBS. With the simplicity of life, came an appreciation for the things that are TRULY important. As a result, I'm making it my goal to try and simplify my life this year. I want to focus on the things that are truly important, and not get distracted by everything else.

Second, let me share a bit of my passion and dreams, that have been shaping themselves within me over the past couple of years, but especially since returning home from Zambia. It has always been my intention to use optometry overseas - not just short-term, but in a long-term position. Sure, having a practice in Canada might be nice at some point (and I'll still be helping people), but right now, I truly feel like working as an optometrist overseas is where I am meant to be (once I am done school, of course!) I love travelling, cultures and above all, people. It gives me so much joy to be able to help and pour out any love that I can on people. Within recent years, I have also become much more global-minded, and have felt compelled to do something about the injustices (poverty, AIDS, etc.) seen around the world today. I long to play any role (whether that be big or small) in changing the world, and making it a better place for people. And I want to be there helping, rather than just writing a cheque from within the comforts of my own home. A difference can be made no matter where you are, but I feel like my calling is overseas (particularly Africa). Being an optometrist overseas would allow me to do something that I love (optometry), while also doing what I can firsthand to fight against the injustices of our world.

But even though that has been my long-time dream and goal (and I know that it is needed overseas), I still have had my share of doubts and questions about it since returning home. On the one hand, I want to take advantage of the amazing educational system that we have been blessed with in Canada. I want to use it to become the absolute best optometrist that I can, so that I, in turn, can go out and help others. On the other hand though, I start to ask "WHAT IS THE POINT?" Why am I spending so much time, energy, and money on school, when I feel like I would be content to go over to Africa and hold babies for the rest of my life?

It's also a struggle for me knowing that I still have three years of school left. At the moment, that seems like a really long time. I know that it will go fast, and I'll be done before I know it. But I want to be doing something now. If given the opportunity, I would get on a plane right now and fly back to Africa (provided I didn't have to worry about the money issue, and missing school). I wouldn't even give it a seconds thought. I feel so impatient - but I really want to be doing something right now.

I've had doubts about whether optometry truly is something that could be used overseas, and whether it is actually what I am supposed to be doing. Why did I have to choose optometry? I can logically see how doctors and nurses can be used - there is a huge need for basic health care. But, optometrists? In countries where people are struggling to just stay alive, how important are optometrists? Yes, the eye is definitely important, and good sight greatly improves quality of life. I may even be responsible for saving the life of a person in certain circumstances, and in many places, will know more basic health information than most people. But I've struggled with the question of importance of what I have to offer.

I think my biggest fear though, is that I will become "comfortable" again. God shook me up in Zambia (and even before that), and began to show me that a life of following Him isn't going to be comfortable. It's going to take me out of my comfort zone. And it's not going to be easy. Which is why, I'm scared that after this summer, I will just slip back into an easy life and will forget the lessons learned. Three years down the road, I'm scared that I'll be willing to just slide into an optometry practice somewhere in Canada, and be content to stay there for the rest of my career. I don't want to stay comfortable - I want this feeling of uncomfort to stay with me, so that I am willing to get up off my butt, and be willing to get out there make a difference.

After a month of having these things floating around in my brain, I don't feel like I have any of the answers. But, I do feel like I have been given some reassurances. Where I am today (second year of optometry school) is no small feat. It has taken a lot of work to get where I am. So, I believe that I am here for a reason, and that even though I have doubts about my future and how I may be used, that God has plans for all of that. And I trust that He will use my career, along with the other passions of my heart, to serve others - whether that be in the exact ways that I envision or not. My love for people, my sincere desire to help others and make a difference, will not be ignored - He will use those along with my specific training. Optometry will be my main "gift" to those that I end up serving, but I know that I can give so much more than that as well. And lastly, I've been reminded that I can be used where I am today. Right here in Waterloo. I don't have to wait until tomorrow, or three years from now to be used. He is using me even now - whether I'm willing to acknowledge that or not. I just need to be more aware of His workings, and be willing to join in on them.

That's about all that I can find the words for right now. There is so much more that I could talk about, but I will spare you all, and save the rest for another time or two. Thanks for listening (and sorry it's so long).