Sometimes I struggle with how honest to be on here. More often than not, I write about easy things. But my heart has been on an up and down journey the past several months, and I need an outlet to put some of my thoughts into words. So, if you don't mind a little bit of honesty, read on:

It would be a huge lie if I were to say that the past several months have been easy for me. Rather they've been quite the contrary. They have been downright hard at times.

Some of it is loneliness. Being that I'm an introverted person by nature, and that I moved to a small town where I knew not a soul, means that I've spent the majority of my time over the past several months by myself. Which truthfully, I'm okay with. I enjoy quiet activities, and being by myself doesn't bother me. I've come to appreciate the deep relationships that I do have even more fully - even though now, I enjoy them from afar. But as much as I miss my family and friends, it's not even being away from them that has been the hardest part. I've adjusted to living away from 'home' over the past several years, and I feel like my experiences with living away from those that I love have allowed me to feel 'at home' in whatever place I end up.

But most of it comes from my restlessness. By the world's standards, I have it all. A comfortable job, with a good income. A nice, big house. A new car. And for most people, that would make them so happy. But for me, it feels like a burden. It's never what I wanted. Never what I asked for. Sure, it's nice to have a steady income, and be paying off loans. And a comfy little house to come home to everyday. And a great little car to get me around. But, I've never desired the comfortable life. So, while I can find some temporary happiness with where I am right now, I don't feel like I have joy in my life.

Some days I ask myself, 'What am I doing?'. Other days I feel like I'm living a lie. Smiling and telling people that I love my job, when I really don't. Not that I don't like it, or regret my decision to pursue optometry, or my decision to move to Merritt. Because I know I need my time to gain experience and earn money to pay back loans. And truthfully, I couldn't ask for a better place to be doing those things. I love the office I work at, and the people I work with, and the people that I get to see as patients. But, I just can't see my future here. Or any other optometry office for that matter. There just isn't joy for me here. And I want my life's work to be more than just a job, or a source of income. I want it to be a source of joy. A passion.

I've always known that I am called to more than what most people expect of me. I don't want to settle down, and live a comfortable life. So truthfully, my restlessness does not surprise in the least bit. But it's been hard, so hard, to feel at peace about where I am right now. And to be patient while I wait for more.

I don't know where my path will lead me in the future. I have some good ideas though. And I do know that I desire a simple life, one where I can just help, and serve, and love. One where I don't have to be bogged down by loans and mortgages and money and stuff. We'll see what happens. Until then, I'll continue on day-by-day, trying to find joy and peace in my present circumstances.

And that is it for now. Thanks for listening, whoever it is that may be out there.